Wao it has been so long, nearly 20 years since you left this world, since you had left me. So much to say, don’t even know where to start. I don’t think it matters anymore. The questions I had for you, in case you ever came back. The feelings I felt back then, I wanted to share with you. The tears I drop every night after you walked out, I wanted you to see them. Damn Pa, when you left me, remember the day back in court?. You broke my heart. Remember when I first came to New York, when you called my sister but refuse to talk to me ?. I remember, I still do. I still cry from time to time. Because I loved you. Because I admired you. Because to me, you were everything, and I was just a kid, I was just in need of your love. I will never forget those words you said to me. They still hurt to this day, but I guess am over it, I guess I kind of understand now, but then again, whats there to understand, you were my father and I was your son and you left me. I will never leave my son, ever.
I hated you for a while but then again it was because I guess I was young. Maybe even because it bother me seeing other kids, (specially my friends), with their father, and you weren’t there for me. Or maybe I hated you because how wise you were at the times you were with me, and I wanted that more often. I remember everything you had said to me, every time you went to see me. You never spoke to me like a kid, always straight forward, with a strong attitude, always focus, very serious when there was something for you to teach me and for me to learn. Remember all that old man ?. You did it the best way, I give you that, and for that I am truly grateful.
I remember the first remote control car you bought me. That was so dope. And even though you only wanted me to play indoors with it, shit I was a happy camper, damn I loved that car. I don’t really know what ever happened to it, to be honest. Maybe I left it in Mami Ramonas home when I when to leave with my mother, who knows. I do remember taking good care of it Dad, don’t worry. Always took good care of my things, because you was always telling me to do so. Remember when we used to go to the Tiendita, all the way down the hill ?, how they used to always tell you how much I looked like you and that you was gonna end up portraying yourself in me, well they still do to this day. Some people that knew you who still around, when they get to see me, that is the first thing they say. That I am just like you. Is that a good thing or a bad thing Dad ?, I don’t know, I mean by my age you had already to many kids, I don’t know how you did it but child support is crazy nowadays, I rather stick to the only one I have Dad. I wish you were alive so you can meet your grandson, he would of love you the same way. Thats my light Pa, and is never gonna change.
Memories is the only thing left, not to many, but at least really cool ones. I mean I am the type who will rather enjoy a good and interesting conversation instead of taking a camping trip. Am a very simple person Pa, but most don’t understand that, but it’s ok though, can’t worry about the rest of the world, right ?, you told me to always look for myself before anything, because thats the way you will do it. And damn you was a man of your fucking word. Am glad I came out like you, because I don’t brake mines for no one, and for that I am also grateful, you thought me that. Thank you. I don’t even have a picture of you, can you believe that ?, My mother had gave me one years ago, but then Katy took it from me, so I let her keep it, but don’t worry you still in my head and heart, I still remember you. I don’t hold nothing agents you Father. You did what you had to, I know you had your own reasons, and you also told me to respect everyones decision making. And even though it hurt it me at the time, it’s ok, it taught me a lesson. And life is nothing but just that Pa, a bag full of lessons.
I just always though that one day we could of sit down and talk, like face to face, you know. I was never able to do that when I was already growing up, when I was a teenager and now that am a man. Now all I have is this peace of paper to write you, hoping that from heaven you might still hear this words from my heart, even though its been nearly 20 years since you passed away. I don’t know what exactly happens when someone dies, but I really hope that you’re there, with God in heaven. He helps me a lot you know, when I pray to him he listen Pa, he really does, tell him thank you for everything he has given me, and thank you for being my father.
You know sometimes I wonder how my life would of being if I grew up with you, but then again I try not to think about it, because I guess those were not Gods plans. He wanted, I guess a different thing for me, so I just don’t question the guy, I just keep moving forward. That is, I guess the best thing to do.
Well Father am gonna let you go, maybe one of this nights you come by and hug me from heaven, maybe even tell me that you love me and tell me that everything is gonna be alright. all I have to tell you is that I Love You and I Miss You so much and that I Forgive You, for everything, you’re my Father and that’s more than enough for me.
I Love You Pa, Happy Fathers Day & may your soul Rest In Peace…